THAT WAS BEFORE every piece of our relationship went digital. Before our bond had to be converted into bits and bytes and carried over the thousands of miles of land, water and air separating us. No more weekends with his foolishly-cuddly ass. No more surprise visits. He’d be away a year before he visited for his summer vacation, and two years before he finished his MBA at Harvard. He’d said he was ready for it. Thought I was too. We never put my relocation on the cards; my tech startup was picking up steam.
Now, I know as a young African man from a little village in Kenya I am supposed to be on the saving end, not the fucking end (or worse, the talking end) of this campaign, but let’s face it: for a mission as worthy as this, we need to enlist as many fucking dicks and pussies as we can. I know some people might find this fairly radical, but I modestly propose that we even enlist non-human penises and vaginas or anything that takes such shapes (anything to save an African life!), on the condition that @DurexRED can manufacture condoms for them.
I am no psychic or something, but I am seeing that dude at the corner fucking shit up in the very near future; he’s rapidly approaching his “hell no” threshold and it won’t be pretty in here when that happens.
Three weeks after Tanzanian megastar Diamond Platnumz debuted his smash collaboration, African Beauty, with American artiste Omarion, a trusted poll shows that 98% of Kenyans who’ve listened to the song are still trying to decipher the meaning of the Swahili chorus the American sings.
Over 75% of citizens in The Nation Thursday evening remained in shock after the Nation’s Government made it blatantly clear that the best way to spend their taxes is in silencing the critics of the regime. Notably, this announcement comes just weeks after mandarins of said Government defended budget cuts in education, healthcare and devolution saying “the Government is broke”.
Saying it was about time the productivity train left the station, City Millennial seconds ago and for the “the last time ever” ditched Instagram, the popular photo-sharing app boasting billions of users and bots. The Millennial, now in his second year of post-collegiate real-lifing, for the umpteenth time, feels the time he spends on the ‘gram is “a little on the higher side.”