Note: For context, take a look at the image above and the video below which this article responds to before reading the article.
Yes, you read the headline right: I am dropping out of my master’s program in arguably one of the best universities in the world to have sex full-time. Not considering dropping out. The decision is made and soon I shall go to the registrar at the School of Social and Political Science at the University of Edinburgh to tender my “dropping out” letter, or whatever it is that you tender when dropping out of uni. While the last two months of studying how structural factors, politics, theories and policies have shaped development, poverty, representation and mental health in the Global South have been fun, I have reached that fork in the road where I must choose between studying things and saving lives. You know, that critical point where you move from merely talking to actually doing. And when I say doing, I mean every fucking part of it.
My epiphany came the other day while watching this DurexRED ad starring Swedish singer Zara Larsson (she sang that I know what girls like song so, by extension, she has all the authority she needs to tell us how to do pretty much anything, including saving lives). The ad declares that in the simple act of fucking, using Durex condoms (of course), lays the panacea for that quintessentially western problem of saving African lives. I would be hard-pressed to find a minute that transformed my life the way the minute spent watching this advert did. All my life I have thought the solutions to African challenges were rather complicated, yet all this time, they lay latent right in front of our eyes—and if I am to be accurate here, right in our pants. I might even venture to say this ad has inadvertently saved my African life; I wonder if someone had to have sex for that.
Now, before you call me dumb or label my decision half-baked, please give me a raison d’etre nobler than saving lives, especially African lives dying of AIDS. Yeah, yeah…I flew more than 7000 kilometres from Nairobi to Edinburgh to pursue higher education but, come on, what is a degree compared to all the lives of my African brothers and sisters that I could be saving by buying DurexRED condoms and having sex full time?
Quick Maths: assuming I am working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week—folks, I’ll have you know that this is difficult work so I definitely need a lunch break and days off—and assuming one condom saves one African life and I am using one condom every 60 seconds—yeah, I am gonna have to come quickly because that means more African lives saved (this is work, not a game of useless emotions and pleasure, ati foreplay, ona huyu!)—then we are looking at 60 African lives saved in an hour, 480 African lives saved in a day, 2400 African lives saved in a week, 10,000 African lives saved in a month and a whooping 120,000 African lives saved in a year! A cursory glance at the population statistics will let you know that by this time next year, I will have saved the entire population of Seychelles, all using my little big man! (And here I was thinking I needed to complete a master’s to figure out how to change things in my country. How naive!) At this rate, if I convince several friends to join this gallant cause, we might even end up saving all the 1.2 billion Africans with our penises and vaginas in our lifetimes. It is possible, people! You don’t even need billions like Bill Gates. Just a penis or a vagina—which, the last time I checked, are given to just about everyone (no excuses!). (@DurexRED, BTW I don’t want to exclude people who would rather do oral, anal or other forms of sex…those save African lives too, right?)
Now, I know as a young African man from a little village in Kenya I am supposed to be on the saving end, not the fucking end (or worse, the talking end) of this campaign, but let’s face it: for a mission as worthy as this, we need to enlist as many fucking dicks and pussies as we can. I know some people might find this fairly radical, but I modestly propose that we even enlist non-human penises and vaginas or anything that takes such shapes (anything to save an African life!), on the condition that @DurexRED can manufacture condoms for them.
How empowering! Instead of sitting around lecture rooms listening to boring lectures on how Structural Adjustment Programmes messed up African economies or on the mediatisation of distant suffering through digital humanitarianism, I could be saving a whole continent with my penis. I am almost getting hard at the prospect. I understand more learned folks will talk about the “imperialism, commodification, moral consumerism, gendered power relations and objectification inherent in the ad and the whole campaign”, but me I am just a simple man, I take the message as it is: buy a DurexRED condom, use it to fuck, save a life thousands of miles away in the process. If this is not the greatest innovation of our times or incredible magic that would blow David Blaine away, someone tell me what it is.
BTW, @DurexRED, before I forget, uhm…dropping out of uni to fuck full-time will mean, unfortunately, losing my very competitive scholarship, so I am hoping you can come through with a lifetime supply of condoms coz it’s gonna be a little hard to save lives when I cannot afford to buy the tools of the live-saving trade. And if I don’t get the tools, then I might end up creating African lives instead of saving them—and I want to believe African demographics are already an even bigger problem that you (and Monsieur Macron) wouldn’t want me contributing to. While at it, maybe throw in a house where I will be doing the fucking coz losing the scholarship means losing my accommodation. Also, I kinda have this weird thing where I can’t fuck on a hungry stomach, so maybe you can make me a Brand Ambassador or something and send me a monthly food stipend?