Kenyan Traveler Discovers Big River in Europe; Names it After Dedan Kimathi

Natives paddling along River Kimathi

Reports reaching Habare indicate that a Kenyan explorer to the European hinterland has discovered a long river that the European natives call River Thames. The traveler, Githiora wa Njuguna, nonetheless and unilaterally, decided that from today henceforth, this river will have to be named after the hero of his people’s liberation struggles, Dedan Kimathi. Githiora, who felt that it was about time the ethnic groupings of Europe received the superior civilization developed in Kenya, has been traversing the dangerous continent for the past two months spreading this good news and teaching the European natives how to live their lives in the advanced Kenyan ways.

Unconfirmed sources have revealed that a question in Githiora’s history exam 10 years ago ignited the passion behind his mission. Habare has obtained a version of the test and can confidently report on the question that precipitated Githiora’s move. “Who discovered Mt. Kenya?” the multiple-choice question posed. The available options: “A. David Livingstone B. Johann Krapf C. William Shakespeare D. George Bush.” In a cellphone conversation withHabare earlier today, Githiora said, “When I saw that question 10 years ago, I wondered why no Kenyan with a name like mine could discover this mountain yet it had existed among our people for the thousands of years we lived on this land. Based on my grandmother’s stories, I added a fifth option: “Ngai, the God who created the mountain discovered it and Gikuyu and Mumbi, the first Gikuyu people that Ngai created, were the first people to see the mountain.” While Habare thought that was a rather thoughtful response, Githiora’s teacher did not. “When I got my exam back and saw that the teacher had circled B as the correct answer, I said to myself, ‘Githiora, you must discover something before you die,’ and where better to discover things than in the backward, concrete jungles of Europe? The discovery of River Kimathi is a dream come true for me and for all Kenyans!”

The King of Kenya is scheduled to give an announcement tomorrow that many speculate will be in honour of the gallant son of Kenya, Githiora wa Njuguna.

-Mharere Mkare


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